Dirty Dueling/Transcript
Cast (In order of appearance): Joey, Tristan, Yugi, Téa, Yami, Crowd Member 1, Crowd Member 2, Johnny Steps, Crowd Member 3, Crowd Member 4 Date: September 17, 2007 Running Time: 7:06 Transcript Intro YAMI: The following card games take place between 9 PM and 10 PM. School hallway JOEY: Cleaning time! TRISTAN: Why are you so excited about cleaning crap off the floor, Joey? JOEY: Because my little sister is having her eye operation. She's gonna be able to see. TRISTAN: Groovy! Does that mean you used the prize money to pay for it? JOEY: Nah. My mom's paying for the operation. I spent the prize money on children's trading cards. (Tristan grabs Joey) Nyeh! TRISTAN: Your sister's the sexiest thing I've ever seen! I'm going to sleep with her. JOEY: If you do, I'll kill you with my bare hands. TRISTAN: You're just jealous. Title Sequence Outside school, as it rains YUGI: Hey, Téa. TÉA: Hey, what's up, Yugi? YUGI: I have a hypothetical question. Would you, by any chance, e-ever consider going on a date with me? I-I mean, just as a friend. TÉA: Not in a million years. Why? YUGI: (thinking) Damn it! I'll have to go with plan B. (aloud) Hey, Téa! The Pharaoh wants to go out with you! TÉA: What? The Pharaoh? YUGI: Yeah, he's pretty shy about it, so he wanted me to ask you for him. TÉA: That's so sweet! I never knew he could be so romantic-- YUGI: (cutting her off) Yeah, he's a regular Casanova, now will you go out with him or not? TÉA: Well, it seems a bit weird. I mean, it'll be kinda like going out with you! YUGI: So it's a date! See you tomorrow, Téa! TÉA: Wait! I didn't say yes! YUGI: (running away) Sorry, I can't hear you! The rain is really loud! TÉA: What have I gotten myself into? Yugi's Room YUGI: I have a feeling today is gonna be super special awesome. Now, if I could just find the right outfit... YAMI (as an apparition): Yugi, you look like a bondage slave. YUGI: Perfect. Girls love bondage slaves! ...Don't they? YAMI: If you've set me up on a date with Téa, I'll never forgive you. You know how much I hate her constant friendship speeches. YUGI: Don't worry, Pharaoh. It's safe to say that today will be completely normal. (winks at mirror) YAMI (offscreen): Yugi, I can see you winking. Outside YUGI: (approaches Téa) Ah, there she is. Okay, Pharaoh, you can thank me later. And remember, no hickeys! (switches with Yami) YAMI: Huh? Yugi, you little bleep! You son of a bleeping bleep bleep bleep! (Téa overhears) I'm going to tear off your bleep and shove them right up your bleep bleep bleep bleep and then bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep on your bleep bleep bleep bleep with bleep bleep bleep in the bleep bleep and bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep your bleep bleep bleep so then you'll have to bleep sideways! (slight pause) Bleep! Hmm? (looks up and sees Téa) ...Hi there. Restaurant TÉA: (thinking) This is a dream come true! I can't believe I'm on a date with the Pharaoh! I've got to play it cool. That means no friendship speeches. No matter how tempting it is, I mustn't do a friendship speech. I mustn't! YAMI: Hey, Téa, what do you think of-- TÉA: (cutting him off) Friendship is the best thing ever! Don't you agree? (pauses and thinks) Dammit! YAMI: (bored) Sure, why not. So, what do you have planned for our date? TÉA: Well, we could either go shopping, (holds up a magazine article) or go to the local museum and check out this exhibit on ancient Egypt. YAMI: Huh... that exhibit looks fascinating. And it could hold all kinds of answers as to who I am and why I'm here. Téa, this could be the key to unlocking the secrets of my past! TÉA: Bor-ing! Let's go shopping instead! YAMI: (growls in irritation) Domino City TÉA: (singing "Something There" from "Beauty and the Beast" There's something sweet, And almost kind, But he was mean and he was coarse and unrefined. But now he's dear, And so unsure, I wonder why I didn't see it there before. YAMI: Bleep-ing birds! (singing same tune, but with altered lyrics) This date is lame, It's such a bore. I'd rather be home playing card games more and more. If you ask me, Téa's a whore, But then that's nothing new, she was like that before. Arcade TÉA: Now we're at the arcade! YAMI: I know. (They join the crowd of people watching a video game resembling Dance Dance Revolution.) ("I Like Your Booty (But I'm Not Gay)" by Insane-o-flex plays) CROWD MEMBER 1: Watching people dance is almost as much fun as watching people play card games! CROWD MEMBER 2: You said it, life partner. JOHNNY: Okay, who else wants to be stepped on by Johnny Steps? YAMI: This game confuses me! There are no cards, or Life Points! How are you supposed to play it? TÉA: By acting like a total spaz! That's why I'm so good at it! JOHNNY: Are you ready to lose to Johnny Steps? TÉA: You are the one who is going to lose! JOHNNY: You're going to be so embarrassed, you'll wish you never stepped on my stage! TÉA: You are the one who is going to be embarrassed! JOHNNY: Referring to myself in the third person makes me a bad guy! (Zoom in on Yami) YAMI: I'm pouting. (Johnny and Téa dance while Jamiroquai's "Canned Heat" plays) JOHNNY: (thinking) Oh no! Johnny Steps is losing! And that's me! (starts attacking Téa) Time to step it up a notch! TÉA: Ahhhhhhh! Somebody help me! CROWD MEMBER 3: Oh my god, he's assaulting that girl! CROWD MEMBER 4: Let's just stand here and watch! JOHNNY: Johnny Steps is falling over! (falls as "bad" messages appear on game screen) TÉA: Teeheeheeheehee! Yatta! YAMI: Is the date over yet? Shoreline TÉA: This has been the best night of my life! I went on a date with a hot stud, and I kicked a guy's ass at DDR! What more could a girl ask for? By the way, why didn't you do anything when he was beating the crap out of me? YAMI: I thought it was part of the game. TÉA: But.. He was attacking me. YAMI: I know. It looked like fun. JOHNNY: Mind if I step in? TÉA: First you attack me, now you're stalking me. Do I have to file a restraining order on your ass? YAMI: I've got a better idea. I'll challenge him to a children's card game! And if he loses, he has to leave you alone. JOHNNY: And if Johnny Steps wins, Téa has to go out on a date with him... I mean me. YAMI: Trust me, Johnny, you don't want that. She'll sing Disney songs and birds will randomly attack you! Kaibaland Dueling Arena JOHNNY: You made a big mistake challenging Johnny Steps to a card game! You don't know who you're dealing with! YAMI: You are the one who does not know who he is dealing with! I summon the Bamboozled Celtic Guardian! JOHNNY: Johnny Steps summons the Guitar Hero! Now, Guitar Hero, play "Hangar 18" on Expert mode! Nothing can survive that attack! (Megadeth's Hangar 18 solo plays as Guitar Hero attacks) CELTIC GUARDIAN: I'm so bamboozled. (explodes) JOHNNY: Don't worry, Téa, we'll be on our date soon enough. TÉA: You're creepier than that guy from Perfect Blue. YAMI: I'm going to beat you, Johnny Steps, if my name isn't Yugi Moto! ...Which it isn't. JOHNNY: Yugi Moto? No way! You're a legend! Johnny Steps can't compete with you. He's stepping out of this duel. TÉA: How dare you, Johnny? The fact that you gave up is more annoying to me than the fact that you assaulted me! JOHNNY: Who cares? It's just a card game. TÉA: I've been holding in the biggest friendship speech of my life, and now you're going to listen to it! JOHNNY: No! Please! Have mercy on Johnny Steps! SUBTITLE: hours later... TÉA: ...And that's why friendship is the best thing ever! JOHNNY: (monotone) Yes. Friendship. Is great. Must. Go. Get. Friends. TÉA: Brainwashing people is fun! YAMI: Yes it is. I guess we have more in common then I thought. Outside Museum TÉA: Now we are at the museum! YAMI: I know. Inside that building lie the answers to questions I've been asking myself ever since the series began. Finally, I'll know the truth about my past. TÉA: Do you think they'll have DDR in there too? YAMI: Téa, it's Japan. Of course they will. Ending: "I Like Your Booty (But I'm Not Gay)" by Insane-o-flex plays CAPTION: the closest you're gonna get to yu-gi-oh: the abridged musical Stinger TRISTAN: (as Arnold from "Troll 2") They're eating her! And then they're going to eat me! Oh my gawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwd! Post-ending: Restaurant TÉA: (thinking) Look at him undressing me with his eyes! I wonder what he's thinking. YAMI: (thinking) Man, I hate milkshakes. (squeezes milkshake cup) Die, milkshake, die! That's right, milkshake, you have been defeated. Now you go to milkshake prison. 2x03